This Week’s Mantra: Lord, I Trust You to Sustain Me

Hello, tender friends!

My little Boo Boo, with the smile that shines like a thousand splendid suns.

Fun fact: My parents took DIY to a whole new level when I was growing up. They were too frugal to spend money on swim lessons, so my dad devised alternative educational methods.

When I was 8 years old, my dad “taught me to swim” by throwing me off of a raft while we were out on the ocean. We spent every summer in Florida, so I suppose he reasoned that I’d been around water long enough to figure it out.

I flailed and the salt stung my nose and throat. But I spit it out, paddled furiously and kept my head above water like my life depended on it. Which I guess it may have. My older siblings pulled me back onto the raft after what felt like a long time but was probably only a minute.

I remind myself of this now. I remind myself that this isn’t the first time I’ve struggled to keep my head above water and survived.

As Anthony and I pray for God to complete our family, and I pray for God to heal my father from dementia and break generational curses, God gives me mantras like to this to recite: Lord, I trust you to sustain me. (And yes, I know that dementia is highly treatable with diet changes, but there are lot of complicating factors I can’t dive into on this post.)

Instead of praying, “Am I getting too old to have another child? Have I missed my chance?” You might remember this post.

Now I say, “Lord, I trust you to sustain me.”

Instead of praying, “Will my dad recognize me today, Lord?”

Now I say, “Lord, I trust you to sustain me.”

Instead of praying, “Lord, I want my parents to be alive as we complete our family, to have the chance to know our kids.”

Now I say, “Lord, I trust you to sustain me.”

Instead of praying, “Lord, I’m scared that I either misheard the word you gave us that we would have more kids, or that I did something to sabotage my blessing.”

Now I say, “Lord, I trust you to sustain me.”

Instead of praying, “Lord, did you SEE that generational curses in real time? Do you see what you gave me to work with?”

Now I say, “Lord, I trust you to sustain me.”

But, but, but…

But nothing.

God doesn’t owe me any happy outcome. He doesn’t. I’ve been luckier than most in a lot of other ways.

Who am I to question God with my ignorant, empty words? (Job 38:2)

I want to be back on the raft, but God doesn’t have to do that. He just doesn’t. The Master of the Universe doesn’t have to give me even one more blessing for the rest of my life, and it wouldn’t change who He is.

Lord, help me yield to the wisdom that hurts like Job.

Lord, help me to worship like David in the midst of loss and disappointment.

Lord, if you allow me to sink, I trust you to sustain me.

Ok, thank you for stopping by today, tender friends! I received another word from the Lord this week that I might share next week if it feels right. Thank you for stopping by, and thank you for sharing!

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