Lenten Surprises from Yahweh

To be honest, this was really hard to write. The ending is happy, but I’m feeling a bit off-brand from my spirited “Hello, tender friends!” after this excavation. Please forgive me.

The Holy Spirit lined up multiple confirmations that I was supposed to work on my posture for Lent. With these confirmations, I knew that it was time to tackle this final frontier of my health and the corresponding emotional changes that go with it. The result? Lent started February 22, and I’ve been crying like I cut onions for a living since then.

I didn’t know this would be such a highly charged emotional journey. Of everything I’ve done to get well, this has turned out to be the most difficult and most impactful. I’ve avoided writing about it for almost two months, but it’s time now.

When I thought that God told me to put my shoulders back in prayer and raise my head years ago, I thought that I was hearing an evil voice. It didn’t make sense. You’re supposed to bow your head in prayer, right?

I didn’t ask God about it. I just assumed I’d heard wrong and ignored it.

But Jesus himself prayed with his head towards heaven on at least two occasions that I’ve found (John 17:1 and Luke 9:16). Unfortunately I didn’t consult my Bible. I ignored the voice out of a false fear of disobedience. Everyone was supposed to close their eyes and bow their head, right? I followed along. I wanted to fit in.

What troubles might I have saved myself if I’d listened to the voice of the Holy Spirit? I ignored my Father’s voice for fear of being different. That reality slays me now.

All this over posture? Yes, it matters that much.

Correct posture is highly correlated with health and youth. Correct posture enables your vagus nerve to function well, and poor posture conversely limits the correct functioning of your vagus nerve and lowers your immunity. So working on your posture is essential to lifelong health.

In retrospect, I believe the Holy Spirit was trying to alert me through that message and several prophetic prayers to stop and tend to myself.

How did it get so bad?

I used to have great posture when I was a kid. I was lucky enough to grow up when posture was still valued and taught in school. I loved my teacher’s verbal praise about my posture and devoted myself to maintaining it to continue receiving accolades.

I stopped focusing on posture in middle school because I was afraid of not fitting in. Some girls started to accuse me of being “snobby,” and even though there are worse things to be called, that wound ran deep.

I didn’t want to be snobby! I couldn’t think of anything worse than being snobby. Don’t they see that I’m just like them? I asked myself.

Then a series of adverse events affected me in my teens in 20s. Somewhere along the way, my posture went from bad to terrible. Over the years I became shocked by my own appearance. Every time I walked past a reflective surface, I didn’t recognize myself.

That poor girl has terrible posture, I thought on repeated occasions. Then I realized that I was that poor girl.

When I said I needed help, a person hereafter referred to as A.R. said there was something wrong with me. A.R. told me that I was too sensitive, that I was making too big of a deal out of things, that I had had every privilege and advantage my whole life and had no reason to complain.

Deep down, I knew A.R. was wrong. But I stopped talking anyway. I stayed silent to keep someone else comfortable.

Why was I so willing to accept a false identity that someone assigned me? That’s something that I actually struggled with my whole life until my health crisis. It wasn’t until that crisis that I learned that I had the power to reject what someone labeled me if it was wrong.

I knew that standing up straight was my mission for Lent. But God was asking me to do something that required valuing myself. Valuing myself enough to stand up straight did not come easily or naturally to me.

Overwhelmed by the enormity of this task, I took it on only because it was during Lent and I felt better committing to a change for a specific time period than I did to committing to it for the rest of my life. I liked the “time-bound” element of Lent.

This is what happened:

I congratulated myself on my first week of good posture and felt like I had made tremendous progress. But within 5 minutes of being around A.R. at the end of that week, I was acutely aware of how much pain I was suddenly in. I felt fire throughout my back and shoulders and realized that I had started slouching again in the presence of A.R.

Despite all of the growth and change that has happened over the past few years, being around A.R. still triggers all of my unhealthy coping mechanisms, including poor posture. I realized I was still making making myself small when other people wanted to feel powerful, an actual physical effect of such a deep-seated people pleasing nature.

I prayed and prayed, asking God over and over again what I was doing wrong. He said, “I want you to assert yourself.”

I would have preferred that God had told me to walk on flaming coals or fast for 40-days straight. Can’t I just pray about it? Can’t I just make some meals for people at church? Isn’t there some way that I can serve others to achieve what you want, God?

No, no and no.

I struggled to obey.

I asserted myself. I used “I” statements. I resisted the urge to throw insults like a wounded animal now that I knew Yahweh wanted me to speak.

A.R. responded without viciousness, which surprised me. A. R. also said not to make such a “big deal” out of things, which didn’t surprise me.

My whole life, I told myself over and over to not make a big deal out of things because every time I was upset, A.R. told me that I was wrong.

It was time to stop being complicit with that b******* .

It took hearing from God himself to realize that I was not too sensitive.

It took hearing from God himself to realize that I had a right to speak.

This part of healing has not been linear. I still struggle with the same tendency to curl my body inward and engage in poor posture, especially when around triggering personalities. Much like verbal spiritual warfare, you have to keep practicing until the battle ends.

But this is one of those life-defining moments that I won’t go back on. Because one of the other things that God has taught me is that princesses have good posture.

As a daughter of the most high King, I’m walking with my shoulders back because I’m proud of my heavenly father.

As a co-heir of Christ, He’s showing me how to keep my crown in place.

Ok, I hope you’re not as emotionally tuckered out as I am. Thursday will be a fun food post and be light, so I hope to see you then!

Thank you for sharing!

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