Admitting I’d Rather Stay Mad Than Forgive

Hello, tender friends!

Last week, I wrote this in my prayer journal: “Lord, I know you say to forgive 70 x 7 times. But I’d rather stay mad at Britney (name has been changed even though the real person doesn’t follow this blog) than forgive her.”

I disliked Britney from the moment I met her, but she was one of those personalities that everybody else loved, so I figured I was wrong. Other friends in the same moms’ group never stopped gushing about how amazing and helpful Britney was. Britney did this. Britney did that. Oh my gosh, isn’t she amazing?

So I offered conventional politeness when I saw Britney, but I didn’t go out of my way to adore her like others did. But Britney made sure to let me know that I wasn’t welcome in her circle, incorporating a passive aggressive Southern job at me whenever our paths crossed.

Fast forward a few years, and Britney fell from grace. She was excommunicated from the moms’ group because multiple people had hurtful experiences with her. I never shared my own hurtful experiences with anyone because I didn’t want commiserating to turn into gossiping.

But the Lord brought her to mind last week, so I wrote those words in my prayer journal. The Lord also brought these words spoken by the father of the demon-possessed boy in Mark 9:4 to me: “I believe, help my unbelief.”

I said, “Lord, I forgive. Help my unforgiveness.”

A few days later, Britney sent me this perky text: “Hey, could we meet up at Starbucks for a coffee sometime in the next few weeks? Let me know when you’re free.”

I ignored the text. I don’t need to commiserate with the Mean Girl Committee. I had run into her a handful of times over the past few years, and I had a churning feeling in my stomach every time I did.

But Britney persisted. “I was hoping we could talk. I really miss seeing you.” I ignore that text too. I didn’t want to see her. It was as simple as that. I also thought it was disingenuous that she said she missed seeing me.

Then I realized the timing of her reaching out to me, asking to get together for the first time ever a few days after I wrote that in my diary wasn’t coincidental. Ugh. Double ugh.

So I’ll be meeting up with Britney in a few weeks, as that was the earliest I could with my work schedule. Will my stomach be churning with the desire to not be there? Possibly.

I guess forgiveness isn’t always convenient.

But as soon as I asked God for help, I realized I’d rather now forgive than stay mad.

Okay, that’s all for today, tender friends! Thank you for stopping by, and thank you for sharing!

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